


Virtue Ethics

by shewhospeakswiththunder



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Homelessness, Lots of Tea, Mentions of Cancer, No Smut, Overdosing, Professor Ben Solo, References to Depression, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-20 07:16:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15529023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shewhospeakswiththunder/pseuds/shewhospeakswiththunder
Summary: Dr. Ben Solo, adjunct philosophy professor and part-time martial arts instructor, discovers a young woman in his Intro to Philosophy course whom he thinks may not actually be enrolled at the University.





	1. Chapter 1

It always struck Ben as counter-intuitive that the fall semester always began at the tail end of summer. The days were still warm, some even hot, and to him the start of school always meant chilly mornings, colorful leaves, and fresh notebooks. Aesthetically speaking, of course. Regardless of how he personally felt what the first day of school ought to be like, the evening of August 25th was sultry, and as he opened up his car door to exit the staff parking garage he immediately felt his blazer sticking to his skin unpleasantly.

The lecture hall was blessedly air-conditioned, however, and with the familiar blend of anticipation and apprehension he watched as his class filed in. His Intro to Philosophy course was quickly becoming the most popular on campus, so he was given the larger of the two lecture rooms in the old brick Radison building. An evening class on a Thursday was a different matter entirely, of course, and not even half the seats were taken when 5:00pm rolled around. Ben’s understanding was that Thursdays on college campuses were known to be ‘thirsty,’ and not for knowledge.

He decided that he would take this opportunity to actually learn who his students were, since the class was relatively small, so he started with attendance. When he was done going through the roster, he asked, “Did anyone not hear their name?” A hesitant hand from the back of the classroom floated up, belonging to a skinny girl in a worn-out baseball cap. “What’s your name?”

“Rey,” she answered, clearly nervous.

“Rey…?” He prompted her.

“Rey Niima.”

“Just see me after class, Rey, we’ll put your name on the class list.” He moved on to the syllabus, passing it out and going over expectations of the year. This was a two-hour class, since it only met once a week, so he jumped right into the material afterward. Easy stuff, defining what philosophy is, why it’s important, et cetera. He wasn’t a monster, though, so he magnanimously let them out early, warning the kids not to get used to it. It was always hard to tell exactly what the dynamics of any given class would be like, but he had a good feeling that this smaller class’ intimacy might make participation less like pulling teeth and more like an open discussion. He hoped, anyway. The lecture had gone smoothly, and he almost forgot about the student who wasn’t listed until he looked up from packing up his briefcase and saw her just as she slipped out the door. He would just have to speak with her next week. He had no idea how to spell that last name, and it wasn’t worth the effort running after her in this sticky weather.

Stepping out into the evening air, he took no more than one step before freezing at the sound of a nasal, ill-tempered voice. Involuntarily cringing, Ben searched for somewhere to hide, simultaneously considering jumping into the large rhododendron bush just next to him and berating himself for being a coward.

“Honestly, what even is the point of Thursday evening classes? If the little bastards even bother to show up it’s like lecturing a group of half-stoned sloths--”

A slight man in a pristinely ironed button down rounded the corner of the building in the company of the tallest and blondest woman Ben had ever seen. A malicious smile lit up his pale face on seeing Ben, who probably looked just as panic-stricken as he felt.

“Ben Solo, what a pleasant surprise. I didn’t think the world’s greatest professor would debase himself enough to join the ranks of us lowly educators subjected to Thursday evening courses,” he sneered.

“Armitage,” Ben greeted him grudgingly.

“Phasma, did you know that Ben Solo has won professor of the year for three years running?” he sneered. “It’s such an honor to be in your presence.”

Phasma coolly appraised Ben, then raised her hand to shake his, her grip firm and confident. “Pleasure to meet you. I’m Phasma, new head of HR.”

“Well, I’m sure you’re very busy changing the lives of students, raising the standards of academia, whatever it is that professors of the year do. See you around, Ben Solo.”

It never mattered where they happened to cross paths or who they were with, poli-sci professor Armitage Hux always succeeded in making Ben feel like a fool.

Phasma gave him one last lingering look, a look that somehow said, I know who you really are. It made Ben’s skin crawl.

As they stalked away, Ben heard clearly, “God, he is such a fucking prat.”

Ben stood rooted to the spot, focusing on slowly breathing, knuckles white on his briefcase handle. A minute passed, and he walked back to his car, shoulders slumped.

***  
For the third class, a mini paper had been due, to be submitted online by midnight the previous night. He had never received a submission from anyone named Rey, and he began to be suspicious. After the third class, he waited by the door, specifically to catch her before she slipped out again.

He saw her trying to blend in behind two other taller students as they filed out of the room, but he managed to grab her lightly and pull her aside.

“Listen, I need to talk to you. Come on.” He led her down to the podium and sat on the stool behind it. Now that she was closer, everything began to click into place. The baseball cap, while he had noticed it was worn, was actually falling apart, and that was nothing to say of the clothes she wore. Holes, everywhere, and time-faded. Potentially clean, but definitely old. She, on the other hand, smelled a little bit. Not like she hadn’t washed in ages, but like she hadn’t used deodorant today. Or yesterday. An underlying air of unkemptness painted every inch of her.

None of these casual observations, however, stole from her the youthful beauty in her face. A smattering of freckles dotted the bridge of her nose, and her wide, frightened eyes held intelligence and intensity deep within them.

A blush had already begun to creep up her neck, her fear almost palpable.

“You aren’t on my roster,” he began, having to clear his throat.

“I registered late, they let me sign up anyway, they said it would take a while, they said they made an exception for me—” she rattled breathlessly, obviously lying.

Ben held up a hand to stop her. “Listen, I don’t know what your personal situation is, but you can’t come to a class you aren’t paying for. I would get in trouble for something like that.”

“I wrote the paper though, here!” She rifled through her frayed spiral notebook. “I couldn’t submit it online, but I wrote it!”

Pushing the penciled pages back toward her, he continued. “I’m not a bad guy. I’m not trying to get you in trouble, I’m trying to keep you out of it. The U isn’t fond of free loaders.” He paused, unsure of what to say next. The fear and look of lostness in her face struck a deep chord in his chest, and he made the decision on the spot. He pulled out of his briefcase a pale-yellow sticky-note pad, clicked his pen and began writing. “Here, this is my number. If you need help, or a place to stay, I’ve got an apartment that I sometimes rent out to grad students. No one’s there right now. No questions asked, you can stay there while you get back on your feet. Just call me.”

Rey slowly took the sticky note and looked up at him. Ben felt a pang of sadness for the downcast girl, and she lingered in his thoughts long after she silently exited the lecture hall.

***  
Using the student ID card she had found on the pavement downtown, Rey swiped into one of the brick dormitories at the top of the hill. It was well past midnight, and students everywhere were up to their illicit antics as quietly as they could remember to be, but she knew the one hallway that no one ever used, and the bathroom with two toilet stalls and shower that no one else seemed to know existed.

She showered with hand soap as best she could, and then laid a garbage bag down on the wet tile floor, spreading on top of it a tattered fleece blanket. Making sure the thick plastic shower liner mostly hid her, she laid down and waited for the motion sensitive fluorescent lights to click off. Then, she tried to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! A couple of specific questions for readers: 1) Is the dialogue believable? 2) Do the characters feel real? Let me know your thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

A week later, fall weather arrived with a blast. Chilly, rainy winds howled up the commons, students fighting with their umbrellas, some just giving up and bolting from building to building.  
  
Thursday’s Intro to Philo lecture had gone well enough, although Ben noticed Rey’s absence. The fact weighed on his mind that evening at intermediate-level Tae Kwon Do, taught in conjunction with long-time friend Poe Dameron.  
  
Ben had met Poe when both were in the sixth grade, just starting in a kids’ karate class. Their mothers had gotten along spectacularly, and while Ben was notorious as a child for taking his sweet time in warming up to people, Poe had had a natural enthusiasm for making new friends. Forced playdates soon became anything but, and Poe’s joie de vivre echoed in Ben, giving them over to a relationship just short of fraternal.  
  
If there was anyone who Ben felt comfortable speaking with, it was Poe.  
  
“She’s got chutzpah,” Poe remarked, in response to Ben’s brief introduction to the ‘Rey’ situation. Both were changing out of their gis in the men’s locker room. The sour odor of sweat and man feet was pervasive, but Ben had spent so much of his life at the dojo that he barely noticed the smell anymore.  
  
“I guess that’s one way to put it. I feel bad for her. I gave her my number, just in case. Do you think that was weird?” He scrunched up his nose.  
  
“No, I think it was nice gesture to offer to help her. Just be careful. I’m sure she’s a nice person just going through some shit, but she might be into drugs or something. I don’t know,” Poe shrugged. “Just be careful.”  
  
Ben sighed. “I know. I guess she just reminded me of…” he trailed off.  
  
“You?” Poe finished, knowingly.  
  
“Yeah.” He rolled his eyes. “Well, I’ve got papers to go over, I should head home. See you around."  
  
Ben hurried home through the miserable weather, buried himself in the worst part of his job, and then fell asleep on his bed, his laptop open in front of him.  
  
***  
  
It had finally happened. The ID had stopped working for her. Desperately cold, huddled underneath the small awning attached to the dormitory building, Rey had a decision to make. Stay out in the freezing wet or make the phone call she didn’t want to make.  
  
She wasn’t even mad that the ID wasn’t good anymore. She had known it was only on borrowed time that she had been allowed dryness and warmth. Still, she had felt her heart sink into her stomach as the little light on the ID swiper had beeped red instead of green. A couple more tries had not yielded different results, and she knew she was out of luck.  
  
The little yellow sticky note was still in her pocket, a little crumpled now, and the ink probably running from the damp at this point, but for whatever reason she hadn’t been able to bring herself to throw it out. It was almost comforting in itself, this little sliver of counterfeit hope. She had thought she would never call the number etched on it in that elegantly staccato script, from the moment that nice professor had given it to her. The gesture was definitely appreciated, but there was very little in this world that would convince her to put her trust in some guy she didn’t even know.  
  
Maybe it was because the time sleeping indoors had weakened her, or maybe it was because of the bitter wind and slicing rain, but she made her decision.  
  
A couple blocks down the hill and to the right there was a hospital, and hospitals always had phones. She didn’t have a single piece of spare change for a payphone, but maybe she could beg it off someone there. She hated doing that, it always made her feel like less of a person. Or, she could reach over the lobby desk and use the phone there for free. If no one was at the desk. It was pretty late, after all.  
  
***  
  
The harsh tones of his cellphone’s ring dragged Ben out of a deep dream. He blearily looked at the screen, blindingly bright in the darkness of the room. It was an unfamiliar number, but his thumb worked faster than his brain and he answered it.  
  
“Hello?” he mumbled.  
  
“Hi,” a soft voice on the other side answered.  
  
“Who is this?” he said, fighting through a yawn.  
  
“It’s Rey. You… you gave me your number.”  
  
Suddenly he was wide awake. “Oh. Where are you? Are you okay?”  
  
“At Mercy Hospital. I’m… I’m fine.”  
  
“Wait, are you hurt?”  
  
“No, no, I’m just using the phone here.”  
  
“Oh, okay. Do you want me to pick you up?” Was that weird to say? He had no idea. Why else would she have called? He felt the hesitancy in her answer more than heard it.  
  
“Yes, please.”  
  
“I’ll meet you at the entrance across from the parking garage in ten minutes.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Okay.” He hung up. Well, she was still alive. That was something.  
  
He threw on a pair of sweatpants and a sweater and ran out into the rain in his slippers, immediately regretting that specific lack of thought.  
  
As his gray Honda Civic pulled up to the hospital entrance, he saw a pathetic figure move toward him, unsure. He flashed his lights to reassure her, and she ran the rest of the way.  
  
Squelching, she fell into the seat on the passenger’s side and closed the door. She reminded him of a bedraggled kitten.  
  
“I’m sorry,” she said, just barely above a whisper. He almost didn’t hear her over the raining drumming against the roof of the car.  
  
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”  
  
“It’s so late, I know it’s a pain,” she went on, sounding increasingly flustered.  
  
Ben could tell she was inching toward the brink of panic, and he tried to refocus her with a calm voice. “Listen, let’s just get you to the apartment so you can get warmed up and dry.”  
  
He lived quite close to the hospital, in a well-preserved craftsman-style house from the early 1900s. It was small, only two bedrooms, but it was situated on a double lot, and Ben had invested in renovating the rather large garage on the other half of the property into a modest studio apartment.  
  
Pulling up into his driveway, a thought struck him.  
  
“Shit, I forgot about the bed. Usually students bring their own…”  
  
“That’s okay, I have a blanket--”  
  
“No, no, if you don’t mind coming inside my place for a minute I’ll grab a couple things for you.” He cleared his throat. “Or not, you can wait here in the car.”  
  
“I’ll wait here.”  
  
He nodded. Opening the car door, he hurtled into his own house from the pounding rain, again ruing his choice in footwear. Once inside, Ben grabbed a garbage bag and started stuffing an assortment of linens into it. After thinking for a moment, he also grabbed his sleeping bag, a bottle of his own shampoo and body wash, and a frozen TV dinner.  
  
Once more into the rain, he gestured to Rey to join him at the door to the apartment. Keys jingling, he opened the door and ushered Rey inside.  
  
Ben flipped on the lights. To the right, a kitchenette with a small breakfast bar. To the left, an open carpeted space where the bed would have gone, if there was one.  
  
Rey wasn’t paying attention to him, instead moving into the kitchen area and marveling at the quartz countertop. Ben took pride in the fact that, while it wasn’t carrera marble, it did add a little class to the space. This had been his first real foray into interior decor, and he had enjoyed personalizing the details. He watched as she ran her hand over it, lightly touching the white cabinets, her gaze lingering on the trendy light fixtures.  
  
“Rey,” he softly called her back to him.  
  
She jumped, pulling her hands behind her back. “I’ll be gone first thing tomorrow morning. Promise. You won’t even see me. I won’t touch a thing.”  
  
This took Ben aback. “You don’t have to leave right away. Unless you have somewhere to go.”  
  
She shook her head.  
  
“Then you can stay here. With some ground rules, of course.”  
  
“I don’t have any money,” she said.  
  
“I know,” he replied. “I mean, I don’t need you to pay rent right now, but it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to decide what you want to do with your time, like get a job, or… school, if that’s something you’re interested in. I’m more than happy to help you, but I also want you to help yourself.” He shrugged.  
  
“Why are you doing this?” Tears had welled up in her eyes. Uncomfortable, Ben tried to play it off nonchalantly.  
  
“It’s no big deal.”  
  
“But—”  
  
He cut her off. “I have a key, but I only use it in case of emergencies, like a burst pipe or something. Just so you know.” She was still dripping rain water onto the linoleum, pale in the soft light, eyes red-rimmed and mournful. “Listen, do me a favor. Take a hot shower and get some rest. We can talk in the morning.”  
  
She gazed up at him with those baleful eyes.  
  
“Here,” he said, hefting the stuffed garbage bag on the countertop and disemboweling it. “Some towels, washcloths, some shampoo… Old Spice, I hope that's okay… oh, and some food. I’ll throw it in the microwave...” he trailed off as he remembered there were no kitchen appliances in the sparse kitchenette. “Why don’t you hop in the shower and I’ll bring this over in fifteen minutes?”  
  
A wan smile directed at him made Ben’s heart skip a beat. He cleared his throat, nervous.  
  
“If I’m being weird—” he started.  
  
“You’re not. Thank you,” she said as she took the towels and washcloths in her thin hands.  
  
“No problem. Be back in a few. Oh, maybe you want some fresh clothes? I’ll bring some back.”  
  
“Sure,” she said, making her way to the bathroom with her sopping backpack, leaving a trail of dirty water on the floor. Ben quickly decided this was the least of his worries and ran back to his place to pop the food in the microwave and scrounge up some clean clothes.  
  
When he returned for the second time, he knocked on the bathroom door, pleased to hear the shower going. He opened it just a crack, so that she could hear him over the water.  
  
“Rey, I’m going to throw these clothes in. Your food’s on the table when you’re ready. Um, let’s have coffee tomorrow?”  
  
He heard a tired chuckle over the water from the shower head. “Okay, professor.”  
  
“Uh, you don’t have to call me that. Just Ben.”  
  
“Just Ben,” she echoed, like she was tasting how it felt on her tongue.  
  
“See you tomorrow.” He shut the bathroom door behind him.  
  
In his own bed, he had trouble falling asleep, but once he did, he had dreams about dirty backpacks and pale hands.


	3. Chapter 3

The icy rain had stopped sometime during the night, but the sky was still overcast and a light, chilly wind played in the trees. Ben always got nostalgic on mornings like this and relished the thought of a warm coffee.  
  
There were no classes to teach until 11, so he woke and dressed leisurely, trying not to think about whether Rey had stayed after all. Even so, still decidedly not thinking about it, he set about filling a plastic grocery bag with items from his fridge to give her, telling himself for at least the third time that week that he needed to get to the grocery store.  
  
With the plastic bag in hand and two mugs of coffee, he walked the short distance to the studio. Realizing his logistical error, he struggled for a moment to free one hand to knock at the door, dropping the bag of food in the process and swearing loudly.  
  
As he was trying to juggle the two mugs and shove some now-bruised apples back into the bag, the door opened and Rey appeared, blinking sleepily, wearing his rolled-up sweatpants and a sweater far too big for her. In a strange way it pleased him to see her in his clothes, but more than that he was pleased to see her clean. What worried him now was how feverish she looked.  
  
“You’re sick.”  
  
“I’m fine,” she protested weakly. “Let me take those.” Her hands trembled as she reached to take the mugs of coffee.  
  
“Can I come in?” he asked, not letting her take anything.  
  
She moved aside and shut the door behind him. He laid everything on the island, noticing all of her belongings that had been set out to dry. Most of them were still damp, especially that grimy backpack, but also the thin cotton coat, her old shirt, and holey jeans. The contents of her bag had been spread out across the countertop, and he saw one of the most pathetic personal collections conceivable: the frayed and wet-wrinkled notebook from class; a pink plastic heart keychain with no keys; a second, even older shirt, if that could be believed; a mangy stuffed dog; the little sticky note he had given her with his number on it, the numbers themselves mostly gone; a piece of a broken CD; one mechanical pencil; and several other items that he would have regarded as trash in this lifetime. In a different part of his life, maybe not.  
  
She noticed him observing it all and hastily began stuffing it back into her damp bag.  
  
“No, no, it’s fine, you can leave it.” Ben sat down at one of the stools at the breakfast bar and sipped his coffee, determinedly ignoring her precious keepsakes. “So, I just wanted to talk to you, really.”  
  
“About what?” Rey asked, guarded.  
  
“Nothing. Or, I don’t know. Are you sure you’re all right? I don’t mean to be rude, but you don’t look well.”  
  
Rey regarded the steaming cup of coffee in front of her and spoke to it. “I’m fine, really.”  
  
Ben reached out to touch her forehead with the back of his hand. She flinched, but not before he felt the fire underneath her skin.  
  
“You’re burning up.” She shook as a shiver gripped her. Ben looked at his old sleeping bag on the carpet and felt a twist of guilt. “You really need to rest. Why don’t you lay down, I’ll go get some things for you. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Maybe some hot tea?”  
  
“You don’t have to do that.”  
  
“I’ll be right back.” As he made his way back to his house, Ben wracked his mind for what to bring her, searching through his embarrassingly sparse cupboards. In the end, he filled another plastic bag with an assortment of cold remedies, a bottle of gatorade, crackers, and a thermometer, and trudged over to the apartment again.  
  
He rapped on the door, but let himself in. Rey was snuggled tightly, cocooned in the sleeping bag and wrapped in blankets. She poked her head out when he stepped closer. Kneeling next to her on the floor, he laid the contents of the bag out for her to peruse on her own time.  
  
“I have to go to work in a bit, but I’ll be back this evening. Can I check on you then?”  
  
Rey nodded and then receded deep within her blankets.  
  
A muffled “Professor?” stopped Ben as he stood up.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“No problem.”  
  
***  
  
That evening was kid’s karate ages 6-8, and Ben had his hands full, even with two of the older kids helping him. His dojo had blossomed over the past year, and Ben had been able to expand classes to several different types of martial arts spanning generations, including tai chi for the mature student, karate for the children, and self-defense classes for women and men. Ben loved to practice and spar, but he knew in his heart that what he loved best of all was the teaching.  
  
After class, he fought through a tangle of mothers who wanted to speak with him, wrestling with the suspicion that some of them were angling for more than just a conversation about how their children were coming along in class. He made his polite excuses and escaped, so preoccupied with getting back home that he forgot to shower at the dojo.  
  
When he arrived at home, he threw his sweaty gi in the hamper and rinsed off. Afterward, he dug out a small pot in the kitchen and set about heating up the last can of spaghettios for Rey. It wasn’t chicken noodle soup, like he would have preferred, and Ben angrily berated himself for procrastinating on the grocery shopping yet again. Once the red-orange sauce started to bubble up on the stove, he covered it with an ill-fitting top, grabbed two bowls and practically jogged over to the apartment next door.  
  
Rey answered the door at his knocking, still pale and holding her ratty red blanket around her shoulders, but as she let Ben in he saw that her hands were steadier. His shoulders relaxed for the first time that day, and was surprised to realize he had been holding them so stiffly.  
  
“I brought some spaghettios,” he greeted her lamely, setting the pot on the quartz countertop.  
  
Rey gave him a small smile from the other side of the island. “I like those.”  
  
Ben began ladling the pasta into the two bowls, and noticed too late that one can didn’t produce as much food as he had hoped. He gave her the lion’s share and sat down on one of the stools.  
  
“You’re looking better,” he prompted.  
  
“I feel better. I think I slept all day long.” He took in the rumpled sweatshirt as she rubbed her eyes, noticing that her tousled brown hair was pulled back with what looked like a twisty tie from a bread bag. Suddenly, he was acutely aware just how unprepared he was to deal with this entire situation. As if she felt his gaze, she stilled and raised her suddenly serious eyes to his. Ben felt something jump in his chest as she searchingly scanned his face.  
  
She broke the tense silence with, “Why are you doing this?”  
  
“Doing what?” Ben asked reflexively, nervous.  
  
“Being so nice to me. I’m a complete stranger.”  
  
Ben had to pause as he sifted through possible answers. How could he articulate to her that he identified with her aloneness, her lostness, so intimately that he couldn’t not help? That he saw in her sad eyes and her small frame the sadness and smallness that he had once felt so sharply himself, not so long ago?  
  
“I just know how hard it can be to get started when you’re on your own.” He let a moment of silence go by for her to process.  
  
What he got were tears. If he had been uncomfortable before, those feelings intensified a thousand-fold.  
  
“I’m sorry, it’s just that…” Rey said thickly, wiping away the fat tears that rolled down her cheeks. “I can’t even believe this is real.” She attempted to divert herself by taking a big spoonful of spaghettios, but her hands were trembling again and she let the spoon drop.  
  
Ben squirmed in his seat, empathizing with her intensely but embarrassed with his own inability to comfort her properly. What would his uncle have done?  
  
“You need space, and I want to give that to you.” Those were his uncle’s words, from when Ben had arrived on his doorstep in southern California, penniless, tired, and dirty. Uncle Luke had sat him down in the kitchen of his well-maintained row home, waiting for Ben to speak. But Ben hadn’t spoken, only sat with his throat burning and eyes prickling. Luke had slowly reached over to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder, and nineteen year old Ben Solo had cried.  
  
“But if you need something, or want to talk, I’m here.”  
  
Rey looked up at him with glassy eyes, sniffling. Ben stood up to go.  
  
“I don’t have plans tomorrow morning. Maybe we should go buy you some food, if you’re feeling up to it. Would that be okay?”  
  
She nodded.  
  
“Bye, professor.”  
  
“See you in the morning. And it’s just Ben.”  
  
She nodded again. “Just Ben.”


	4. Chapter 4

As Rey climbed into the passenger’s seat of Ben’s car, he was relieved to see that she appeared well-rested. A small smile aimed at him brought a flush to his ears, but he ignored this and backed the car out of his driveway.  


“Where are we going?” Rey asked.  


“Wegmans.”  


“What’s that?”  


“You’ve never heard of Wegmans?” he said, incredulous. She shook her head. “It’s a huge grocery store. You’ll like it, they have everything. Are you not from around here, or…?”  
  
“No, I’m, um… from Jersey.”  
  
Ben didn’t push further. It wasn’t his business, he knew, but he couldn’t help his curiosity.  
  
The rest of the short car ride was spent in a comfortable silence, which Ben appreciated. He often felt that silence with people could feel tense, like conversation was an obligation, but with Rey the quiet felt natural and easy.  
  
“So, what kind of food do you like?” Ben prompted as he picked out a shopping cart.  
  
Rey’s eyebrows knitted together in thought. “I like spaghettios.”  
  
Chuckling, Ben nodded. “What else?”  
  
“Cheezits, Goldfish. Oreos!”  
  
“Okay, we can get those. What about fresh food?”  
  
She shrugged.  
  
“We can play that by ear, then, see what looks good to you.” Ben wheeled the cart toward the snack section, picking out the items she had requested. He did his best to give her distance between himself and her. He knew that his height, at a towering 6’3”, made some people a little uncomfortable, but it didn’t seem to phase Rey in the slightest. In fact, she stuck to him like glue, close enough at most times that if she had wanted to she could have held his hand. If anything, she seemed to be little nervous when he stepped away from her, and she always quickly closed the distance.  
  
***  
  
As they walked through the aisles, Rey was more and more amazed at the incredible range of selection, no matter what type of food it was. They had passed an entire aisle that had rows and rows of tea. That’s it, just tea! She felt a little overwhelmed at the choices before her, but Ben continued to encourage her to pick out what she wanted.  
  
Guilt nagged at her, telling her that he shouldn’t be expected to buy her food, but she argued with herself that he had been the one to offer to do so. Another thought prickled her, the question of why. She didn’t know this man, and he didn’t know her. Why was he being so nice?  
  
Fingering the small jack knife that she always kept hidden in her coat pocket, she reminded herself that she trusted no one. She had kept the knife with her when she had showered that first time back at the apartment, laying it on the small ledge where the shampoo would normally sit, and she had kept it underneath the pillow in her sleeping bag as she slept. No one would get away with trying to hurt her without consequences.  
  
Even as these thoughts filed through her internal narrative, she also consciously felt herself gravitating toward this guy. She trusted no one, but Professor Solo seemed so… trustworthy. Kind. Rey was unused to being treated with respect, but that’s what he did. Maybe he was a little awkward about it, but she always followed her gut, and her gut told her the good intention was there.  
  
As they reached the end of the cereal aisle, from which Rey had picked out Fruit Loops and Trix, the professor paused, eyeing the contents of the cart. It was already half-full of colorful boxes and packaging.  
  
“Maybe we should pick out some real food, too?” he laughed.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You know, oranges, carrots. Fresh food.”  
  
“Oh.” Rey combed through her experiences with fresh produce. There weren’t many. She had grown up eating what foster families could provide, and that often meant the cheaper, processed sort of food. Which she liked, of course, but maybe it wasn’t so healthy for her. She vaguely recalled her health class in middle school, and discussions about the food pyramid and balanced diets.  
  
After some careful deliberation, Rey chose to try strawberries, apples, and baby carrots. She watched as the professor picked out a few others, and then they moved on to the meat section and he put several packages wrapped in plastic into the cart. They were mostly unidentifiable to Rey, but she wasn’t concerned. She wasn’t a picky eater, just inexperienced.  
  
As they checked out, Rey helped load the contents of the cart onto the conveyor belt, and felt her heart stop when the young cashier told them their total: $216.73.  
  
Panicking, she looked to the professor, who calmly slid a credit card through the card machine and thanked the cashier for the receipt. She was certain she would hear it when they got back to the car, certain he would yell at her for costing him so much money, or at the very least a stern talking to. But it never happened. The food was loaded into the back seat of the car, and they drove home, both quiet.  
  
For Rey, this quiet was a different thing from the quiet on the way to the store. She had silently enjoyed watching the neighborhood fly past, the stores and cars. This time, her palms were sweating, heart pounding. She decided that it would be much better to get it over with now, so she mustered her courage and said, “I’m sorry it cost so much, professor. I wouldn’t have gotten so much if I had known.”  
  
His expression was one of confusion, but he kept his eyes on the road. “What do you mean?”  
  
“The food. It was really expensive. I didn’t realize. I’m really sorry.”  
  
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’ve spent more than that on groceries just for me.” He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. “This food will last us for a while, too, so don’t worry about the money.”  
  
Rey couldn’t believe it. “You’re not mad?”  
  
“Why would I be mad? We both need to eat.” He paused, then continued. “Speaking of which, what do you think about tacos for dinner?”  
  
Feeling herself relax into her seat, all she could do was nod.

  


***  
  
Ben lay awake in his bed. Dinner had been… nice. He considered himself a private person, and certainly more of an introvert than otherwise, but Rey’s company had been a pleasant backdrop to the evening.  
  
The tacos had been delicious, though Ben reminded himself that it was hard to mess up tacos, but the best part of it had been watching Rey as she devoured three of them in succession. Her gusto both impressed and amused him, and he had been glad to provide her with a solid meal, perhaps her first in a while. Not counting the spaghettios, of course.  
  
The conversation hadn’t been prolific, but it had been good, and once again Ben had felt himself very much at ease with Rey in the moments of quiet.  
  
He had intentionally brought supplies over to the apartment to make dinner there, wanting Rey to be at ease in her own space. While he would have preferred to cook in his own kitchen, he felt that she might be uncomfortable playing in his home field, and the last thing he wanted was for her to feel uneasy or unsafe. It could be that he was just overthinking everything, which he was definitely prone to doing, but he did it all the same.  
  
They had parted ways that evening amiably, stomachs full, with plans to have coffee the next morning. Ben had showered and gone to bed, somehow more content than he had been in a long time.  
  
Just as he was about to drift off to sleep, he felt a light touch on his shoulder. He jerked back to wakefulness, eliciting a gasp from no other than Rey, who jumped back.  
  
Ben turned on the light on his bedstand.  
  
“Rey, what are you doing? How did you get in here?” he said, frustration and residual adrenaline making him sound a little harsher than he meant to.  
  
She was wearing his sweat clothes again, and her eyes were wide in fear. She tried to speak but nothing came out.  
  
He couldn’t get out of his head how bizarre this was. He always locked his front door at night, and Rey standing there in the middle of his bedroom was so surreal that he almost lost his train of thought. Moderating his tone, he asked again.  
  
“What are you doing here? Is something wrong?” He swung his legs out of the covers and silently thanked his lucky stars that he had gone to bed with at least his boxers on. He pulled a pair of flannel pajama pants over them, rubbing his eyes in the light.  
  
“There’s… there’s a noise.”  
  
“What kind of noise?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
Ben drudged patience up from within himself. “In your apartment?”  
  
Rey nodded, watching him intently, eyes roving across his bare chest. When she did look away, he noticed a light flush painting her neck and cheeks.  
  
“Let me put some clothes on, I’ll be right there.” She nodded again, and left the room quickly to wait just outside the door.  
  
Finding one of his sweatshirts on the floor, he threw it on and let Rey lead him to her place. Once they were inside, Rey motioned for him to stay still. He listened, but couldn’t hear anything.  
  
“I don’t hear--”  
  
“It only happens once in a while. Like, like a chirp.”  
  
An annoyed certainty washed over Ben. It was the fire alarm. He did his best to calmly explain this to her, went back to his place to grab batteries, and changed them. Once that was done, he turned to her. She flinched, sending a stab of guilt through him.  
  
“How did you get in my house?” he tried to say as unaccusingly as possible.  
  
“I snuck in through a window.”  
  
“Why.”  
  
“The front door was locked.”  
  
Ben rubbed his temples. “Please don’t do that anymore. If someone had seen you, they might have called the cops or something. If something like this happens again, just text me.”  
  
“I don’t have a phone.” Ben could feel her discomfort, her fear, still sitting beneath the surface.  
  
“We’ll get you one tomorrow. For the record, I don’t care if you come over to my house, just don’t sneak in and wake me up while I’m sleeping next time?”  
  
She bit her lip, holding back tears.  
  
“It’s okay, I’m not mad.”  
  
The tears spilled over. “Can I still stay here?”  
  
“Yes, of course.” Before he could say or do anything else, Rey rushed him and threw her arms around him in a tight hug. She was shaking, and after a moment of indecision, Ben wrapped his arms around her and held her to him.  
  
“I’m sorry, professor,” she mumbled through the fabric of his sweatshirt.  
  
“It’s just Ben, Rey.” He felt her nod against his chest. His heart skipped.  
  
“Just Ben.”  
  
***  
  
The following day found Ben wandering the aisles at the local Target attempting to find the electronics section. He didn’t shop in person much, preferring to order any specific needed items online, and the bustle of department stores and malls made his temper run short. He knew this had something to do with his social anxiety, but knowing didn’t mitigate the situation.  
  
Rey waved at him from up ahead, signalling that she had found what they had come for. He quickened his pace and joined her in the cell phone section, which was, even at a glance, overwhelming.  
  
“I was thinking that for now a tracfone might be the best option,” Ben started, picking up one such phone in its hard plastic wrapping.  
  
“I’ve had one before,” Rey said.  
  
“Okay. Well, I guess--”  
  
“Well, if it isn’t Ben Solo,” came a wheedling voice from behind.  
  
Ben’s eyes rolled up to the beige ceiling in a silent combination of prayer for patience and internal screaming. Taking a deep breath, he turned to face the voice.  
  
“Armitage,” he said through gritted teeth by way of greeting.  
  
As Hux approached them, Ben saw his eyes slide over to Rey and take her in from top to bottom. His stomach twisted uncomfortably, and he felt Rey stiffen under the scrutiny.  
  
“Looking at tracphones, I see. What is this, seventh grade?” Hux said with an cold smile.  
  
“Yes, Armitage, we’re looking at tracphones,” Ben replied, unsure of how long his charade of civility could last.  
  
“Ben, who is this guy?” Rey asked in a disgusted voice.  
  
“He’s a coworker,” Ben said, eyes never leaving Hux.  
  
“Well, he’s a jerk. Let’s go.”   
  
Hux sneered. “You might want to keep a closer leash on your dog, Solo.”  
  
A strangled noise escaped Rey, and she made to lunge at the offender, but on instinct Ben grabbed her by the arm and held her back. Hux reeled, shocked and frightened.  
  
“Like I said. See you around.” With that, he stalked off.  
  
Rey was growling lowly, and Ben didn’t let up his grip on her upper arm, but swung her around to face him.  
  
“What was that?” he demanded.  
  
“What was what?”  
  
“You can’t just jump at people like that! I work with him!” he said, trying to keep his voice low so as not to draw attention to themselves.  
  
“He called me a dog!” She tore her arm out of his grip, still scowling.  
  
Ben rubbed his temple. “He’s an asshole, yes. But that’s not how you handle someone being rude. Let’s just get this thing and get out of here.”  
  
Rey continued to scowl silently as Ben checked out at the cashier, but her countenance lightened after some time as she focused her attention on setting up her new phone. It wasn’t anything fancy, but Ben thought it would do the trick.  
  
“Um, I need your number,” Rey said as they pulled into their shared driveway.  
  
“Sure.” Ben gave it to her. “Text me, so I’ll have yours.”  
  
She did, and Ben felt the corresponding vibration in his pocket.  
  
“You can text me anytime,” he assured her.  
  
“Thanks.” Her tentative smile made it all worth the effort, and Ben caught himself genuinely smiling back.  
  
Later, as he putted around the house doing laundry and tidying up, the mental image of Armitage Hux’s face when Rey had gone after him made Ben laugh so hard he had to set the laundry bag down to wipe away tears of laughter.  
  
And he realized that was something he hadn’t done in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: Does Rey's characterization feel consistent, cohesive? Just curious as to what you all think.


	5. Chapter 5

Rey was antsy. She had never been the type to wait around for things to happen, always doing what needed to be done and making it all work out for herself. This was why she had run away from her latest and worst foster home. She knew she wouldn’t have been able to survive there much longer, and besides, she had been about to age out of the foster system anyway. Her bag had been packed with a few necessaries in five minutes and she had been out the door before Unkar Plutt had woken up from his usual mid-afternoon post-bloody-mary stupor. That first awakening was when he was most volatile, and she knew she needed to be well away before he resurfaced from his boozy unconsciousness.

Being homeless had not been easy, but she hadn’t been on her own for very long before she had miraculously found the ID laying in the street. Even though she had seen the ragged throngs underneath bridges at night, she had stayed away from the other homeless, trusting her gut that making a place for herself among them would lead her down a road she might not be able to come back from. Horror stories of drugs and illness had run through her mind, and so she had sought out the lonelier, colder places to lay her head when darkness had come.

Attending a college class had been a decision of pure impulsivity, something borne out of the temporary safety of her shower floor bed. She knew she was smart, had always done reasonably well in school. She had even had hopes of going to college at one point, but her current situation restricted her access. With nothing else to do during the day except find food, she might as well go to class, learn a little something.

Professor Solo trusted her and wanted to help her, for whatever unfathomable reason, and she was grateful for that. But she felt as though she was at a standstill, a feeling that she had never liked and which always spurred her to create the change she wanted to see in her life.

Practicality, born of necessity, was one of Rey’s strong suits, and she knew where she had to begin. The wheel of life needed a little grease at the axel to get moving, and she knew that a little cash was all the grease she needed.

Waiting all day for Professor Solo to get home in the evening was boring her tremendously, but it did give her a little time to strategize.

First, she would sneak in through his kitchen window again tonight. He had told her not to, but she promised herself this would be the last time. It was necessary.

Second, she would borrow cash from his wallet, which she unobtrusively noticed was always left on the countertop in the kitchen next to the door. Presumably so he wouldn’t forget it in the morning on his way out, but it really wasn’t a safe spot for it, Rey mentally chided him. In her heart she felt a little bad about the fact that she was taking money that he probably would have just given her if she had asked, but she was tired of being given things. It was time to do it for herself. And besides, she would pay him back. Even steven.

Third, she would walk to the Salvation Army downtown and pick out a white blouse and khakis for herself. She had no other clothing than what she had thought to pack when she had left Plutt’s house, and if she was going to interview for a job, she knew she needed something other than what she had.

Fourth, the interview. Dunkin Donuts was having interviews on the spot, she had seen a sign in the shop’s window the previous day. That was a hike from the Salvo, but sensible shoes would make the walk doable.

Fifth, and this part obviously depended heavily on the previous one, she would get the job and slip Professor Solo back the money into his wallet as soon as she got paid. He would never notice it was gone, and Rey would have accomplished this all herself, a thought at which she beamed.

The entire plan went so smoothly, Rey told herself that she could have been a successful spy. Who knew, maybe there was a school for that. The interview went without a hitch, and Rey congratulated herself on having the foresight to memorize her social security number long ago. The manager was a short man with graying hair and a kind demeanor that Rey instantly liked. Five minutes into the interview, he had told her that ultimately, they were looking for people who would smile a lot and be patient with customers, and he could tell she was that kind of person. The paperwork had been done, and she was to start in two days.

Enough of the needy Rey of yesterday! When she heard the crunch of gravel that signaled the professor’s return home, she ran out to meet him in the driveway and proudly announced the good news.

He looked pleasantly surprised by her industriousness.

“That was quick. Congratulations, Rey, I’m happy for you.” His praise warmed her, although she did feel a quick stab of guilt. She buried the feeling away.

“Would you like to join me again for dinner?” he asked.

Rey nodded eagerly, excited to prolong the warmth his praise had inspired within her with his company. She was growing to enjoy having someone to talk to in the evenings. While she did value her independence, she had grown to understand deeply the pain of loneliness over the years, and Professor Solo’s quiet and unassuming demeanor now had a special place in her heart.

 

***

A plateful of fish sticks and two boxes of mac and cheese later, Ben sat back in his chair in his dining room, stomach pleasantly full and smiling amusedly at Rey, who scarfed down every last remaining piece of creamy, buttery pasta.

When she had wiped her mouth with the back of her hand in a satisfied way, she sat back in her chair as well.

“So, you’re a teacher. What else do you do?”

This was the first probing question she had put to him, and he attributed it to a building level of comfort between the two of them.

“Well, I own a dojo downtown and teach there, too.”

“Like, karate?”

“Lots of other stuff, too, like tai chi and self-defense. There are a couple students who want to get into Jiu jitsu, so I’ve been looking around for an instructor for that as well.”

Rey lit up. “Self-defense? That sounds interesting.”

“You should come to a class sometime. I think you’d like it.”

“Why don’t you show me a couple moves now?” She leaned over and playfully punched his arm. More serious, “I think everyone should learn that kind of stuff. I’ve always wanted to.”

Ben nodded in understanding. All the women who had taken the class were appreciative of it, expressing a sense of empowerment. It was one of the most popular classes. His only concern was that self-defense lessons required physically touching, demonstrating moves to someone being placed in a vulnerable spot, however manufactured the circumstance. Ben didn’t know where Rey came from, what experiences she had gone through to be here, and he didn’t want to push limits. While the women in his class usually liked what they were learning, there had been one or two that weren’t emotionally ready for it and had to sit out of some sessions.

As if sensing his hesitation, Rey continued. “Come on, just one quick lesson. It’ll be fun.” She smiled at him eagerly, and even while Ben’s brain was saying let’s not, he found his mouth saying, “Okay.” Denying her when she smiled at him was proving to be increasingly difficult.

As Ben put the dishes in the dishwasher, he watched Rey as she lightly stepped into the living room. Her feet were bare, and she brushed his belongings reverently with her fingertips, from the wooden lintel to the utilitarian, but still comfy, couch. She crossed to the fireplace mantle and lingered over the couple framed pictures there. He knew them both, the one a still of him, his mother, and his father at the beach when Ben had been small, the other a framed postcard of the Golden Gate Bridge, which he had purchased on a whim at San Francisco International on the way back from his uncle’s, four years after he had first unexpectedly arrived.

“You’ve been to California?”

Ben made his way into the living room. “I lived there for a few years with my uncle, went to San Francisco State for my bachelor’s degree.”

“What was it like?” Rey asked eagerly.

“Um, it was warmer, I guess. Expensive.”

“Why did you move here? I hate how cold it gets. I would’ve stayed.”

“It was time to come home,” he unwillingly confessed. In an effort to redirect the conversation to less personal topics, he stepped closer and said, “So, I was thinking we could start with breaking out of front neck hold. It’s one of the easiest techniques. Um, it’ll be easier if I demonstrate for you first. So, you’ll be the bad guy.”

Removing his glasses, he set them carefully on a side table, and approached Rey. At this distance, it was clear that if she was going to pretend to choke him he would need to be on a somewhat lower plane of height, so he knelt in front of her.

“Okay, so pretend to choke me. Pretend,” he repeated for emphasis, a nervous smile playing at his lips. Rey gave a small laugh and reached out to encircle his throat with her hands.

At her touch, an unexpected, almost electric charge opened up between the two of them. He felt his breath quicken as he locked eyes with her. He could see her eyes widen, and was certain that she felt it, too. Slowly, he felt her hands drift toward the back of his neck and entwine in his hair. His breath caught in his throat.

He brought his hands up to her wrists and meant to say her name as a gentle warning, but it flew out of his mouth as a longing whisper.

“Rey.”

Rey leaned down, the heavy charge between them stronger by the second as the distance between them closed. Their lips softly brushed when Ben’s cell phone rang, shattering the suspended moment.

Reeling back, Ben broke away and answered the call, flustered and blushing.

“Mom?” he spoke into the cellphone’s receiver.

“Ben, I’m just calling to remind you that I’ll be coming over tomorrow for dinner. I assumed you’d forgotten.” He could hear the knowing smile in her tone.

“Uh, no, I--” Ben cut himself off. “I did forget.”

“A mother always knows. Now, I’ll be there around six. I’ll bring a bottle of wine, but I wanted to double check whether I should get a red or a white.”

Leia was always considerate, regardless of the role she played in any given situation. When the hostess, the most prepared, the most accommodating. When the guest, the most respectful, the most charming. She was the perfect socialite, a trait which had served her very well over the course of her time as state senator.

Ben floundered. They had made these plans well over a week ago, and he barely remembered the conversation, much less the actual date. He heard a sigh over the connection.

“Why don’t you make that lasagna you made the last time? It was delicious. I’ll bring a sturdy red,” Leia supplied. “Feel free to invite any lady friend you might be seeing.”

Ben involuntarily glanced at Rey, who was fidgeting on the couch. “I’m not seeing anyone right now,” he said quietly.

“Maybe someday I’ll have grandchildren,” she joked. “I suggest you put an alarm on your phone for five tomorrow, to remind yourself to start on the food. I’m really looking forward to seeing you, honey.”

“Me, too.” They signed off to each other, ending with a mutual love you, bye. Ben ran a nervous hand through his dark hair. The years had improved his relationship with his mother, which he knew both of them were happy about, but he never could shake the anxiety that crept up and sat in his chest when he knew they were about to meet. While they had healed to an extent, many wounds marked their relationship. But, this visit was important. He knew her schedule as a government dignitary did not leave her much time to spend with family, even though she purported to her electoral public to be rooted in hers.

Rey’s tentative voice jolted him back to reality.

“Are you okay? You look shell-shocked.” Her fingers were busy at the hem of one of the holey shirts she had to her name, her cheeks pink. Ben swallowed. She was so beautiful in this light, sitting on his couch, and his thoughts raced back to the mere minutes before when she had her cool fingers against the back of his neck, wandering into his hair. His instinct was to grab her and kiss her until she kissed back, but he swallowed that intense urge, berating himself as a creep and forcing himself to language, clearing his throat.

“My mother is coming over for dinner tomorrow.”

“That’s nice.” She fell silent.

Ben swallowed dryly. “Maybe we’ll continue self-defense lessons some other time.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later, Ben.”

His heart spluttered as she passed by him, on her way out the door.

Just Ben.

***

Leia was prompt in her arrival, and she squeezed Ben in a mother’s hug when he answered the doorbell at exactly 5:58pm. She only came up to his sternum, so he had to lean down to her, but as she held him, all the scents she brought with her forcefully dragged up memories from his childhood. The coffee and cigarettes on her breath, the floral perfume she always wore, the hairspray she used. None of these were the bad memories, and he relished the small comfort they gave him.

“It’s so good to see you, honey,” she murmured into him, giving one last big squeeze before letting go and entering the house which now smelled deliciously of baked lasagna.

As the two sat down to eat, Leia laughed and said, “You always were a better cook than me.” The wine had been opened and poured, and cheesy Italian-American goodness was steaming on their plates.

One of the reasons Ben dreaded meeting with his mother was that almost every topic of conversation could somehow relate to his damage as a child and adolescent. She knew damn well that she hadn’t been home to cook dinner for him, ever, and he had had to teach himself.

Not wishing for this particular visit to devolve into a screaming match, as so many visits had, Ben swiftly changed the subject.

“How are things in Washington?”

“Same old, same old. Bureaucracy, red tape, national debt. I’m constantly left wondering if these people who are elected into office are lunatics or geniuses. It’s a comment on the state of things that I have to wonder that.” After a pause, “How’s this semester going?”

“Well enough. I feel like I’m getting into the swing of things now that I’ve been there a few semesters.”

Leia’s question brought Rey to mind, not that she was ever far from his forefront of his thoughts these days. He mulled over telling his mother about her, just like with every bit of news he might have for her, constantly weighing her potential reaction.

“Actually, something interesting happened this semester. There was this girl showing up to class who wasn’t on the roster, and it turns out she had never enrolled in the university at all, she was just coming to my class because she thought she could.”

“Girl’s got spunk.”

“Well, she could’ve gotten me in trouble, so I talked to her. Turns out she was homeless, so I’m letting her stay in my apartment next door for a while.”

Leia’s eyebrows shot up.

“I know what you’re thinking, but it’s been working out really well. She’s already gotten a job, and I really think she wants better for herself.”

He watched as his mother digested this, delaying a response by taking a sip of the dark wine.

“I’m sure I don’t have to warn you to be careful.”

“I know. I just get the feeling that she was put in tough circumstances and all she needed was a leg up to get out of them. She’s got this… I don’t know, this desire to learn, to be more. I read her paper for my class, she’s smart. We haven’t talked about it, but my guess is that she’s going to want to go to school.”

“You like her.”

This took Ben off-guard. He felt heat rise in his cheeks. His mother looked at him knowingly.

“Not like that, Mom.”

“Yes, like that. When can I meet her? Wait, how old is she?”

“I--I don’t know. I never asked her.”

“Why? Don’t you think that would be a good thing to know if you want to pursue her romantically?”

“It never seemed like an appropriate thing to ask!” This was, in fact, a question that had been burning in the back of his mind. “Besides, I’m not pursuing her--”

He was interrupted by the sound of his kitchen door crashing open and a terrified, “Ben?!”

“Rey?” he called back, pushing out from the table and running to her. He heard his mother follow closely behind.

There she was, breathing heavily, outfitted in his old sweat clothes, rolled up to fit her much smaller frame. Her hair was dripping wet, as if she had just gotten out of the shower.

“I think I broke everything!” She was panicking, and it was at this moment that in the distance, Ben heard her smoke detector going off.

He ran past her toward the apartment, and the two women trailed after him. Throwing open the door, acrid smoke poured out, but he could see no fire. Through the thick air, he located the source: the microwave.

Inside there was a dark hunk of plastic that only strong deductive reasoning could correlate with one of the individual microwaveable mac and cheese cups the two of them had bought on their latest grocery shopping excursion. Rey had forgotten to add water.

The appliance itself was probably ruined, but the lack of true fire gave Ben immediate relief. He proceeded to open all the windows and fan the smoke away from the smoke detector, all the while thanking those lucky stars that the apartment hadn’t gone up in flames.

Ben ditched the ruined microwave in the big black garbage can on the side of his house and returned to Rey and his mother, the former wringing her hands in distress, the latter standing with her arm around Rey’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, I just hopped in the shower for a minute, it was an accident!” Tears started to stream down her cheeks.

“Rey. Are you hurt?”

She shook her head.

“Am I hurt?” She shot him a questioning look through her tears, but shook her head again. “Is anybody hurt?”

“No.”

“Then everything is fine. Mistakes happen. We’ll get a new microwave this weekend. Just, please read the directions next time.”

Leia rubbed Rey’s shoulder comfortingly. Ben saw Rey relax into her.

“Why don’t you come inside with us while your place airs out? We’ll make some tea.” Leia steered her back to Ben’s house, Rey complying, sniffling still. Leia shot a poignant look at her son that practically screamed her matchmaking intentions.

Ben cringed, foreseeing the most awkward and uncomfortable evening imaginable. To his surprise, or rather in hindsight complete unsurprise, Leia and Rey got on famously.

With a social grace Ben could only aspire to, Leia drew out Rey’s entire story from beginning to end. He gave the two of them some space when he realized that the conversation was turning to girl-talk, as his mother had always put it when she was spending time chatting with friends, deciding to make himself useful by clearing up dinner and putting on the pot of tea that Leia had suggested earlier. He could hear every word that was said, however, and actually made a point of being quiet so he could continue to listen, scolding himself for being an eavesdropper. He was unsure how he felt about the things Rey spoke of, her life in foster care, learning her parents had abandoned her in an emergency room when she had been very small, the neglect and small abuses she suffered at the hands of people who should have been taking care of her. So much of her behavior made more sense, having learned these things about her, but it didn’t make him feel any better about it.

The teapot whistled and Ben brought out two cups of chamomile tea, the only tea he kept stocked in the house, and then only when he got around to shopping. Ben suddenly realized that it was only since Rey had been in his life that he had regularly stocked pantry cabinets and a full refrigerator. Filing that thought away for later contemplation, he placed the steaming mugs in front of the two ladies on the coffee table and made to exit the room.

“Ben, come join us,” Leia said, grabbing his arm lightly before he could walk away.

“Yeah,” Rey chimed in, patting the cushion next to her.

“I don’t want to intrude.”

“How could you intrude? This is your house, son.”

“Come sit with us,” Rey pleaded.

Unable to deny her, Ben nodded, grabbed his mug of tea from the kitchen and sat on the middle cushion between the two ladies, but as far from Rey as he physically could. She inched a little closer to him. Probably to get more comfortable with his additional weight on the cushions, he told himself.

“What is this? It smells… sweet.” Rey asked.

“Chamomile tea. It was always Ben’s favorite growing up. I would make it before bedtime on cold winter nights, with a little honey.”

When you were home, which was never, Ben’s internal monologue supplied, accompanied by a very external eye roll.

“So, what brought you to this area, Rey? You said you grew up more toward New Jersey,” Leia asked, pointedly ignoring Ben’s sass.

Rey paused and blushed. “I ran away from my last foster home a couple months ago. They, um, they didn’t treat me well at all.” There was something left unspoken that created a lingering tension in the air, but Rey continued. “I was on the streets for a little while, but Ben offered for me to stay with him. So here I am. I work at Dunkin Donuts now, so I’ll be able to pay rent soon. And pay you back for your microwave.” She glanced apologetically at him.

“You don’t have to pay for the microwave,” Ben said.

“I want to, though.”

“We can talk about this later.” Ben felt uncomfortable broaching the topic altogether, but even more so in front of his mother.

 “Okay.” Turning fully to face Ben, Rey said, “I really am grateful though.” She scooched a hair closer. “For everything you’ve done.”

Ben wished he could just melt into the cushions, both from mortification and the desire to put some distance between his body and hers. His mother was giving him a meaningful look, and so was Rey, although their meanings were very different ones. He swallowed dryly.

“No problem.” To distract himself, he took a tentative sip of his tea and burnt his tongue, almost spilling it all over himself and dying from the embarrassment of it all.

Leia touched the black screen of her phone to light it up, and seeing the time, she said, “Well, I have to be up early tomorrow morning. Rey, it was so lovely meeting you. I hope I can visit both of you again soon.” She and Rey got up and hugged, and Ben led Leia to the door while Rey stayed seated cross-legged on the couch with her tea.

Ben stooped to hug her properly, and as they pulled away from each other Leia said quietly, “She’s a very nice girl.”

“I know.”

“She’s strong, but she’s also fragile.”

“I know that, too.”

“Be very careful with her. And find out how old she is,” she demanded, poking him in his chest with a pointed finger.

“Okay, mom,” Ben rolled his eyes again and ushered her out the door. “See you soon.”

“Call me, Ben, that’s an order.”

“Love you, mom.”

“I love you, too, son.”

He shut the door behind her and made his way back to Rey, again sitting as far from her as he could.

Already knowing the vice-like discomfort in his gut was going to get infinitely worse once the question was asked, he asked anyway.

“Rey, how old are you?”

Nonplussed, Rey took out her plastic TracFone. Looking at the screen for the date and then counting on her fingers, Rey replied, “I’ll be nineteen in… two months. How old are you?”

“Twenty-eight.”

She gave a small _hm_ and took a careful sip of her tea. She closed her eyes in pleasure as she swallowed.

“I really like this tea. I’m going to get some when we go shopping.”

The vice in Ben’s stomach loosened marginally and found himself thanking his lucky stars for the second time that night, this time that she was at least above the age of consent. Although, on reflection of that unbidden thought another one occurred: Why do you care? You’re too old for her anyway.

“It was really nice meeting your mom. You look a lot like her,” Rey smiled, interrupting Ben’s self-deprecating thought train. “I hope she does come again soon.”

Ben ran a hand through his hair. Visits from Leia were few and far between, which suited him just fine, but more effort could be made on his part to let his mother be more involved in his life. There was a long-cultivated part of him that pushed everyone away, even the ones that loved him. Especially them. Maybe it was time to break that cycle.

“Hey, can we watch a movie?” Rey piped up. “I saw you have some DVDs.” She jumped up and began perusing the small selection of movies that Ben had bothered to purchase. Most of them were sci-fi, with a few classical dramas scattered throughout. What caught Rey’s attention was the copy of Smallville, the first season.

“I never would have pegged you for a Superman fan,” she grinned at him, looking up from the DVD cover.

“I’m not really, I got that as a gift a long time ago,” Ben responded, a little flustered. Why he had chosen to lie, he didn’t know. Smallville had been a formative part of him growing up, and was to this day one of his favorite TV shows. Rey studied him, head cocked to the side. To Ben it felt like she was deciding something about him, but what decision exactly was impossible to know.

After the DVD had been popped into the player, Rey made herself comfortable, wrapping up in a blanket that had been laying around and holding the mug of still-warm tea in her hands. Ben took up his place at the opposite end again, Rey having chosen his personal favorite spot on the couch. It didn’t bother him much.

Once the first episode ended, Rey set the mug down on his coffee table and snuggled deeper into her place of warmth, conscientiously throwing the end of the blanket over Ben’s toes. Ten minutes into the second episode, Rey was on the precipice of sleep.

“Clark Kent reminds me of you,” she mumbled, her drowsiness and her blanket muffling her words.

“What makes you say that?” Her voice had startled him.

“Because he’s kind and likes to help people.”

He didn’t know what to say, choosing instead to let her continue falling asleep. Ben didn’t have the heart to wake her up when the episode ended, looking as peaceful as she did, so he quietly turned off the TV, the lights, and crept out of the room.

Knowing she was just downstairs coaxed Ben into a blissful, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts and comments are always welcome.


	6. Chapter 6

Unsurprisingly, Rey was gone the next morning. The blanket she had used was neatly folded on the back of the couch, her mug rinsed and in the sink. Secretly, Ben had hoped to see her before he left for work, but he knew that she sometimes worked the early morning rush hour, serving sleepy people with urgent caffeine needs. He knew he would get a check-in text at some point or another, so he didn’t worry about it. He had hummed happily throughout the course of the day, but the advent of Armitage Hux at his office door cut short his contentment.

“Ben Solo. What a surprise.” Hux lounged against the door jamb. The office was a small and windowless space, with barely enough room to accommodate Ben’s broad frame, but it performed its function well enough.

“Well, this is my office. I don’t know who else you’d be expecting to see here,” Ben responded with a tight smile and a raised brow.

“Snippy today, I see. Well, to tell you the truth, I stopped by because I have an ethical question for you, and I assumed that since ethics is an essential part of philosophy, you would be the best person to ask.”

Setting down his red pen, Ben gave up the hope of deterring an actual conversation with the odious man. “Fine. What’s your ethical question?”

“If you knew a coworker was doing something… wrong… would you report it?” Hux had a strange smile on.

Ben frowned. “I suppose I would need to have a little more understanding of the situation before I could make a strong ethical decision on the matter. But if you already know the details and feel that it’s worth reporting, then you should do so.”

“Interesting. Yes, you’re probably right. Thank you for your illuminating conversation.”

“My pleasure,” Ben said, his tone dripping with sarcasm. He was starting to feel claustrophobic, pinned down in the small room, and when Hux finally slunk away Ben felt relief, but it was spoiled by the distinct feeling that Hux was up to something. He knew something Ben did not, and this made Ben nervous. He was preoccupied for the next forty-five minutes prior to the start of his next class, and didn’t get nearly as much work done as he had hoped to accomplish during that time.

 

***

 

Hectic traffic and hitting every single red light on his way back home did nothing to lighten Ben’s dark mood. Unable to give his true focus to anything, he ended up making haphazard bologna sandwiches for dinner with Rey, who did not comment on his distraction even once. She, of course, ate with impressive gusto, relishing the shoddy meal in content silence. Rey was so easy to please.

Unfulfilling to the end, Ben’s evening consisted further of a shower and an early bedtime, his desire to be done with the day so strong that sleep was his only goal. But sleep was not readily achieved, and Ben tossed and turned for hours.

It had been a long time since Ben had lost sleep because of a bully, and dwelling on that fact only made him more restless. Unable to stand it any longer, he got up, refusing to look at the clock, and made his way downstairs. If he wasn’t going to sleep at all tonight, he might as well put on some hot tea to calm his nerves.

As he flicked on the kitchen light, he froze.

“What are you doing?” he asked Rey, who was knuckles deep in his wallet. She quickly dropped the wallet back on the countertop.

“Nothing!” she said, her guilt evident on her face.

“Are you taking something from my wallet?” Ben felt his anger building.

“No, I’m… I’m just putting something back.”

“So you did take something.” The fury that Ben had patiently squashed all day long threatened to break through.

Rey couldn’t find words for a brief moment, but then relented. “Yes, but that was a while ago. I needed some clothes for my interview at Dunkin Donuts, and I promised myself that when I got the job I’d pay you back. So, now it’s back,” she concluded with a nervous smile.

“You stole money from me.” Ben’s brain struggled to catch up with emotions over which he was quickly losing control.

“No! I gave it back.”

“You took something of mine that wasn’t yours. That’s stealing.”

“I only borrowed it!” Rey said, sounding desperate.

“Without. Asking. Permission.” The irony of participating in another ethics debate in his kitchen at God-knew-what time in the morning was not lost on Ben. It added fuel to the hot fire growing in his chest. “How many times has this happened?”

“Just the once, Ben, I promise.” She looked crestfallen. “I can’t believe we’re arguing about this, it was so long ago, you didn’t even notice it was gone, I gave it back.” It was clear that she could see the fury on his face as she tried to explain. “I just wanted to do something without your help, just once.”

“Oh, so stealing my money and buying yourself clothes with it is your idea of independence,” Ben snarled.

“No, I was just tired of needing you for everything.”

“Am I holding you back? Is that it?” Ben was yelling now. “After everything I’ve done for you? All you had to do was ask!”

“No! I just needed to do something by myself for once! And I’ve been doing it, I have a job, I’m paying you rent, I’m looking at schools! I’m grateful for how much you’ve helped me, I really am. Please understand, I always meant to pay you back!”

A point of no return was quickly approaching, and Ben, even through his anger, saw that if this conversation continued he would say or do something he might regret the next day. So, in a clenched voice, he said, “I need you to leave.”

Rey was about to say something else, but she caught the look of utter seriousness in his eyes, nodded her head, and left.

 

***

The dawn greeted a sullen Ben Solo. He regarded the day with dread-- it was the Friday of a three-day-long weekend right before Thanksgiving break, so there was no university classes to keep him preoccupied, and no classes at the dojo either. It looked like a long and miserable weekend was ahead of him.

As he brooded over the percolating coffee pot, his cell phone rung jarringly with an unknown number. He answered with a brusque, “Hello?”

“Is this Ben Solo?” a clipped voice on the other line asked.

“Yes,” he replied cautiously.

“This is Phasma from Human Resources. Are you available to come in for a meeting today at any point?”

“Yes. Can I ask why?”

“We’ll discuss the particulars when you get here. Would eleven o’clock work for you?”

“That’s fine.”

“Good. We’ll see you then.” She hung up abruptly, leaving Ben with a queasy discomfort in the pit of his belly.

 

***

 

Ben rapped against the large wooden door that led into Phasma’s office. After a brisk “Come in” he let himself into the room.

Phasma sat behind an imposing desk that reminded Ben more of modern architecture than furniture, and standing behind her was Dr. Snoke, Dean of the Philosophy Department. His boss. Known to be an intimidating man, and something of a manipulative asshole, Ben had only really encountered him when he had interviewed for his current position. Glancing behind, Ben saw a police officer. His blood ran cold.

“Please sit, Mr. Solo.” Dr. Snoke’s commanding voice rang out, and Ben quickly complied.

Phasma then took the reins. “Let’s cut to the chase, Mr. Solo. We’ve recently been made aware of a disturbing report that you have given your personal number to a student and now have her living with you.”

Ben’s eyes widened in disbelief.

“This type of behavior is not tolerated, and we can’t allow such conduct to tarnish this university’s reputation. We have an eyewitness report, and are conducting a thorough investigation into the matter. This is your opportunity to provide a statement on the current situation.”

Ben was dumbstruck, heart hammering. He floundered for words.

“Rey-- Rey isn’t a student. She-- I’ve kind of taken her under my wing, helping her out until she’s back on her feet. She was homeless, and I’m renting out my spare apartment to her. There’s nothing… illegal happening.”

Phasma had been writing down his answer on a legal pad. When she finished scrawling she looked up at him with icy eyes.

“Your side of the story has been noted. You should be aware, however, that if there is untoward behavior being directed at a student it will result in your immediate termination and whatever legal action is deemed necessary by the police. You are going to be escorted to the local precinct and asked further questions. We’re done here, officer.” It was all said so unfeelingly, and Ben could feel himself sweating. He glanced at Dr. Snoke, who had not said another word other than that first sentence, and Ben saw only his cynical smile. Without another word, he allowed himself to be led out of the room by the policeman.

 

***

 

Ben was in the middle of an intense round of questioning at the local precinct when his cell phone rang for the second time that day. Rey’s name lit up the screen, and Ben looked to the detective in front of him for what to do.

“Answer it, put it on speaker phone, and place the phone on the table,” the detective instructed.

Ben obeyed, and answered with a wavering voice. “Hey, Rey.”

“Ben,” she whispered, scared. “There are policemen knocking on your door. What’s going on?”

“Rey, I--”

“Now they’re coming over to the apartment. Ben, what do I do?” She sounded panicky.

“I need you to stay calm. Don’t run, Rey.” He instinctively felt this would be her first choice of action. “They’re there to help you.” She gasped loudly through the speaker. “Rey. Don’t run!” The call ended. Ben pursed his lips. “Shit.”

“Is there any reason why this young lady would run from the police, Ben?” the detective asked.

“She’s skittish sometimes, and like I said, she was homeless for a while. And sometimes she’s impulsive. They’re not going to hurt her, are they?”

“Not unless she gives them a reason to.”

Ben groaned.

 

***

 

A little more than an hour passed when Ben heard a commotion outside. Jumping to the small window set into the door of the small room in which he was being kept, Ben saw Rey struggling against the two burly cops that had a tight hold on her arms. She wasn’t handcuffed, but her Dunkin uniform was definitely the worse for the wear, as was her hair. She had a desperate snarl on her face, and she was yelling loudly enough for him to hear her through the door.

“Where’s Ben?! Where is he?!” She gave a primal roar and almost managed to wrench herself out of their grasps, which was impressive in itself, but they tackled her to the floor. She screamed and yelled all the while, like an animal resisting the cage. Resisting arrest is what she was doing, and while her inner strength and her concern for him touched him, Ben knew she would catch hell for the ruckus she was causing.

He banged on the door and yelled her name, hoping the sight of him would calm her. Her head swivelled 180 degrees and as soon as she saw him her fight reaction didn’t decrease, as he had hoped, but intensified a hundredfold. Instead of a general struggle to get out of custody, her focused efforts were toward him, screaming his name. Ben pantomimed through the door that he was okay, to calm down, but these efforts didn’t register.

Every person in the precinct was now was looking at him through the window, and he slowly crept back toward his uncomfortable metal chair.

***

About ten minutes later, the same detective that questioned him entered his room.

“Technically, you aren’t under arrest for anything, although we do appreciate your cooperation in the matter, so you’re free to go, Mr. Solo.”

“Can I see her?”

The detective thought about it for a minute. “Sure. Follow me.”

Rey was locked in a cell, hands on the metal bars, screaming hoarsely at whoever would listen to let her see Ben. When she saw him, her red rimmed eyes lit up and she reached for him.

“I’m so sorry, Ben, I’ll never take anything from you again, I didn’t tell them anything, I hoped you would drop the charges--” she rambled through gasping breaths.

It suddenly dawned on Ben, and guilt seized him. He grasped the hand reaching for him. She was trembling.

“Oh, Rey, I never called the cops on you. This is about me, they thought…” How could he explain it? He fumbled for the right words. “They thought I might be… holding you against your will, or… hurting you, somehow.”

“What?”

“Please, just answer their questions and they’ll probably let you go. The only reason you’re in this cell is because you fought with them to begin with.”

“Detective?” Rey suddenly called, looking beyond Ben. “I’m calm now, I’m ready to talk.”

 

***

 

Ben sat miserably on the wooden bench in the entrance to the precinct, waiting for Rey. It felt like hours when she finally stepped into the lobby, still disheveled, but smiling shyly.

“Let’s go home,” she said, and Ben could hardly agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, for the sake of the story we sometimes suspend our knowledge of reality. I have no idea how any of this would have worked in the real world with the police, but I hope my lack of knowledge in that area did not detract from the over all plot. 
> 
> Thanks to all who read this, I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please regard the tags before reading this chapter. Many sensitive issues are touched upon.

“We should celebrate your birthday.”

Rey giggled. “How?”

“I don’t know… I’ll take you out to eat or something. Where would you like to go?”

She shrugged. “Taco Bell?”

Ben snorted. “I’m not taking you to Taco Bell for your birthday.” He immediately regretted saying it, worried it might have sounded too condescending.

“Well, I’ve only ever really eaten out at fast food places. Taco Bell is my favorite. Oh, wait! Maybe Friendlys?” Rey said, totally unaffected.

“There’s a tex-mex place downtown. Would that be a good compromise?” Ben suggested. He knew he was swimming in dark water. _Fragile. Careful_.

“All right!” Her enthusiasm didn’t erase his self-doubt, but instead covered it with a warm blanket, making it easy to ignore.

Every day from now until Thursday was going to seem like an eternity, Ben already knew.

 

***

 

Ben almost let himself speed on the way home Thursday evening, the anticipation practically killing him. The week hadn’t been as torturous as he had foreseen, thankfully. With Rey’s acquisition of a cell phone, they were more in contact that week than ever before. There was always a good morning text to look forward to, and another check in text when she got her lunch break. Ben had never considered his phone a lifeline, merely a necessary evil. He still had an ancient model that slid open to text, and he wasn’t positive it could connect to the internet, although he was well aware that most new phones now could. This week, however, opened his eyes to the incredible power of texting, the rush it filled him with when his phone vibrated and it was a message from Rey. Ben had a general disdain and sometimes outright hatred of any and all forms of interpersonal communication, but this week had changed his mind.

Even a brief “:)” sent him head over heels, a sensation he was entirely unused to. He had dated in the past, but those had been unserious, noncommittal experiences. There had never been someone that Ben could envision himself with for the rest of his life, and he didn’t believe in expending energy and resources on relationships that could only ever be temporary. Rey was different, and he found himself wishing for a permanence in her life that he had never wanted before with anyone else.

Being the incorrigible overthinker that he was, he couldn’t quite place how he felt about his… feelings. His heart was falling fast and his logic couldn’t keep up. He was acutely aware of the fluttering in his chest and stomach when she knocked on his door, of the way his thoughts always circled back to her even when he should have been focusing on teaching or grading, but _why_? Why Rey? Why now? What did this girl possess that stripped him of his practiced guardedness, his finely-honed sense of caution? He always held people at arm’s length. What was it about Rey that enticed him to let his arms drop to his sides, to allow her to step closer and closer, to even let her touch him?

If that’s what she wanted, anyway. Social cues were not his forte, and he couldn’t bring himself to imagine that his feelings for her were reciprocated on her part. That was dangerous territory. Hope was vulnerability, the gateway to potential pain. Ben couldn’t let himself hope-- it might break him, and he had been broken before.

So, it was with the strange combination of eagerness and reticence that Ben knocked on Rey’s door that evening, having dressed himself in an outfit that he hoped was the appropriate mixture of not-too-dressy and not-too-casual.

The door opened and Ben beheld a vision. Rey’s lovely brown hair fell to her shoulders, white blouse opened in a modest V. Her eyes popped, and it occurred to Ben that she might be wearing makeup for the first time in his presence.

Forcibly shoving the urge to reach out and run his fingers through her soft hair, he said, “Are you ready?”

Rey flashed him the biggest smile he had seen from her yet and gave him a hearty “Yes!”

Ben’s heart stuttered. How was he going to make it through tonight and not die of desire or embarrassment, or both?

When they had been seated at the small restaurant, Ben, in a fit of incongruity of character, ordered himself a margarita. Maybe she was underage, but he wasn’t. He hadn’t had a margarita in years but he remembered liking the tartness. They were on special, and what was the harm of one drink anyway? The logical part of him felt uneasy with the choice, but Ben decided that tonight he could ignore that part. Maybe he was foolish for letting himself enjoy this evening, but the headiness of her proximity, while not enough to completely convince him otherwise, at least distracted him from thinking about it too much.

Rey, true to form, ordered enough food to feed a small army. It was with pleasure that Ben noticed she didn’t have the pinched look of long-term hunger anymore, but had filled out healthfully. Her eyes had gone as big as saucers when the food had been brought to the table, and Ben had been unable to stifle a chuckle. He had already finished his drink, and because it had been downed on an empty stomach he felt the world take on a familiar warm fuzziness. He knew better than to order a second one, and once he had some solid food in his belly he knew he would sober up enough to drive home, but he relished the opportunity to rest in Rey’s company with a slightly lowered inhibition. It felt good.

“You know, we never finished my self-defense lesson,” Rey said around mouthful of carnita.

Ben felt his face flush, and was painfully aware of the double-meaning that loaded the casual remark. Did she mean the actual lesson, or the kiss that almost happened? Did she know what she was saying? How could she not? The liquid courage that had entered his system lended him the presumption to flirt back.

“I remember saying we could finish it some other time. Is tonight the time?”

She flashed him a knowing half grin. She so totally knew.

“Maybe. What do you think?” The ball was back in his court, and Ben barely knew what to do with it.

“I think it’s your birthday, and we can do whatever you want.” He surprised himself with his own nonchalance, and he saw his surprise reflected in her features.

“Well then, I guess we’ll just have to finish up here and go home. There’s so much I need to learn.”

Her boldness knew no bounds. Ben was both floored and aroused by her audacity, and it was all he could do to keep his jaw from dropping open. He was going to need another stiff drink by the time the night was through. He was sure he had some whiskey stored somewhere in his kitchen.

Ben paid the bill, and fought with himself the entire way home. He was reading too much into this. But what if he wasn’t? What if she wanted what he wanted? Feeling instantly heinous, the thought crossed his mind that he hadn’t kept condoms in his place since he didn’t know when. Even if… stuff...  happened tonight, he would never have sex with her. It was just too soon, and she was too young. But, she was an adult, after all, she could make her own decisions. She didn’t have a drop of alcohol in her-- this would be entirely sober consent. If she consented. Not that he was even going to ask. But what if _she_ asked? Ugh, God, he was a mess.

“So how do we start again?” Rey asked once they had reached the house, put the leftovers in the fridge, and entered the living room. She was breathy, and it stole Ben’s own breath away.

Feeling a sharp sense of deja vu, Ben took off his glasses and placed them on the side table before once again kneeling in front of her.

“I remember now,” Rey whispered, already lacing her fingers through his hair. The sensation was so sweet Ben had to close his eyes, fully focused on her touch. It surprised him then, when he felt her warm lips against his, a soft kiss, waiting on him for more. He gave it, bringing his hands up to her waist and holding her there, the sensation of her lips moving against his obliterating every other thought.

At first, she was compliant, molding to him, but then she grew insistent, pleading. Ben couldn’t stand this position anymore, so he rose and took her by the hand to the couch, both of them laying down on their sides and facing the other.

Now that she was this much closer to him, he could smell his body wash and shampoo on her, and a rush of possessiveness came over him. She smelled of him, she belonged to him. The growing need for her to be closer, _closer_ , gave his hands the license to explore, running over the smooth crests and valleys of her. He felt her respond to his wandering hands in all the right ways, and when he found her small breast her lips broke apart from his and she gave a small gasp.

Unsure if it was a gasp of pleasure or fear, he backed off quickly, suddenly embarrassed of the hard, straining warmth now below his belly. _Fragile. Careful._

In a husky voice, Rey said, “It’s okay, it felt good.” Their gazes met, and he saw the desire burning in her, but he couldn’t bring himself to act any further. Probably feeling his hesitation, she wrapped her arms around his head and cradled it against her chest. He was secure, safer than he had ever been in his life. This place of warmth and comfort seemed an impossible dream, an enchanted fog that would be burnt off by the morning light.

“Ben,” he heard her say softly. He gave her a small squeeze to tell her he was listening. “You don’t make me feel like I’m nothing.”

Her turn of phrase, the idea that he filled some sort of negative space, was entirely unacceptable. It wasn’t him giving her something, she was the one filling him up.

He broke away from her just enough to look her in the eyes.

“You’re not nothing.”

She smiled through dewy tears. “I’ve always been so lost, so alone, unwanted.”

“You’re not alone.” Now he drew her into him, holding her warm body against his.

“I want to stay with you tonight,” he heard her say against his expansive chest.

“Okay.”

 

***

 

“What were you like as a teenager?” Rey asked as they lay next to one another in Ben’s bed. Both were clothed, Ben in his boxers and Rey in a t-shirt of his, and there had been no more physical intimacy, only an easy togetherness.

Ben swallowed and chewed on the thought. It was better if she knew him wholly before she made any decisions regarding him, it was only fair, but it didn’t make it any less painful to talk about with her. Honesty was the best policy, he decided in the end. Let her know the worst of him at the very beginning, before they got in too deep.

How he found the courage to trust her with his truth, he didn’t know, but he began talking anyway.

“I was... unhappy, like most teenagers I guess.”

“What made you unhappy?”

“When I was sixteen my dad passed away from cancer.” He could feel her wanting to say something, probably one of the platitudes that he had heard a thousand times before, so he continued quickly. “That was the year before my mom first made a run for state senate and got elected. I think she ran away from her grief by throwing herself into the campaign. We had to move when she won, and I had a really hard time making friends at my new school as a brand-new senior. I got depressed, and one day I found all of my dad’s old pain pills. I took them all and overdosed. I guess my mom found me and called 911, and I was in the ICU for a while. A long time, actually. They didn’t trust me to be by myself, so I had a sitter 24 hours a day. After that, the psych ward. When I got released, I just couldn’t go home to face my mom, so I took the cash I had in my wallet and bought a bus ticket as far west as I could get with $176. My Uncle Luke lives in San Francisco, and I don’t know why I thought that would be a better place for me, but that’s what I did. It took three days to get there, and I had to walk an entire day, too, because the ticket only took me to a town called Dublin, just short of the city. I don’t think I’ve ever been more miserable than I was then.”

Here he paused to give her time to catch up, to process, to move away from him or leave. She didn’t. She pulled him closer, her silence an invitation to continue.

“So I stayed with him. Obviously, he called my mom and told her where I was. She was going crazy not knowing, and she had a few choice words for me, but I stayed anyway. Luke convinced me to go to therapy, so I did that, got put on a few meds. He’s a professor of philosophy at San Francisco State, so I went to school there. Then I came home and got my master’s degree.” He paused, thinking of how to proceed.

“That’s a lot to go through,” Rey finally said.

“I’m stable now. I mean, I take my meds and I do still go to therapy, just nowhere near as often. I haven’t had any real problems since then.”

“I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have a parent and then lose them,” she said quietly.

“We never got along well to begin with, so when he passed there were a lot of unresolved issues. That sounds like my therapist talking maybe, but it’s the truth.” He shrugged. “I’ll have to deal with that for a long time.”

“Ben, I’m glad you told me. That was probably hard.”

“I want you to know. I want you to know me.” The darkness of the bedroom and the warmth of her next to him gave him the courage to say it.

“I want to know you, too.”

They lay together in quiet until they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Morning sunlight woke Ben with a gentle touch. Last night’s events came rushing back to him, splintering his inner calm. He flipped over in bed, inwardly cringing at himself for opening up so much. No girl wants to get wrapped up in some basket case like him. 

It wasn’t for another full minute of Ben laying in bed despising himself that he saw Rey sitting on the far side of the room, next to the door, cross-legged on the floor with a cup of steaming tea in her hands. 

“Rey,” he said a little breathlessly, “you scared me.”

“Ben, I’m glad you’re awake. I… I wanted to talk to you.”

Fear and nausea threatened Ben’s stomach with equal force. 

Rey continued. “All my life I’ve had to rely on just me. I couldn’t count on anyone else to protect me. And I felt like I was always running from something. Maybe it was the foster homes where I was placed, or maybe it was just some part of myself that I was running from, but now I don’t feel like I need to run from something. I want to run toward something. God, I’m not making any sense.” She paused. 

Ben’s mouth was too dry and his brain too sluggish to say anything, so he gave her what he thought might be an encouraging nod.

“I’m waiting for everything to fall apart, like it always does for me. Maybe I shouldn’t trust you, but I do. And for once in my life, I want to stay.” She looked up to him, and he could see the glimmer of tears in her eyes. “I know it’s wrong, and it’s just too soon, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for everything you’ve done for me, but I can’t help it, I think I love you.”

“What?” Shock shot through him, froze him.

“I know I’m young, but I’ve lived long enough to know a good thing when I have it. Maybe I just ruined it, maybe I shouldn’t’ve said anything, but I want you to know how I feel.”

All he could do was gaze at her, memorize her in all of the ethereal vulnerability that made her so achingly beautiful. Her openness, her willingness to invite him in to her thoughts, to her core feelings, after everything he had told her. Despite everything that he had done.

The tears began to fall in earnest. “God, I’m so sorry, I need to go.” Rey fled, leaving the steaming mug behind.

“Rey, wait!” He called as he scrambled out of the covers. The winter morning air bit at his skin. “Come back!”

The kitchen door slammed shut as he made it to the first floor, and he realized that it would be the height of folly to run after her through the snow in his boxers. She was already nowhere in sight, but he told himself that she would be back. 

The rest of the day was an exercise in staving off the horrible sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, the aftershock of his own mute stupidity. 

He finished his adult learners karate class with a heavy sparring session, giving no quarter and accepting none from his opponent. It worked to distract him, but only temporarily. She always was there in his mind’s eye, tearful and real.

When the day’s necessary duties were done, Ben hurried home and pounded, more than knocked, on Rey’s apartment door. Peering through the window in the door he saw all the little knick knacks that Rey had conscientiously accumulated, sprinkled around the space to make it particularly her own. It tore at him, to think that she did not know what a light she was to him, how she had bared her own heart to him and he hadn’t had the wherewithal to vocalize his reciprocation. 

She was nowhere in sight, and neither was her grimy old backpack.

His frustrated brain dredged up a factoid she had shared with him: her favorite lonely spot: underneath the Harrison bridge. He started the car and almost stalled it in his hurry to get there.

He had to trudge through no small amount of crystalline snow, following the telltale indentations of feminine feet across the train tracks that led to the underbelly of an enormous concrete bridge. It was down in a ravine that had been carved out of the mountainside to accommodate train traffic, back in an era when that had been a priority.

She was standing in front of it, not quite under, looking up at the stonework as if it held some answer to a question. Hearing him from a ways away, she turned to see who it was, but didn’t run again.

“Rey!” he called to her.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“I didn’t get a chance to say anything this morning. I--” he struggled with the words, shuffling possible combinations of them to tell her how he truly felt. He decided to go with honesty. “I still don’t know what to say. You came into my life so suddenly, so unexpectedly, and now… now I can’t imagine a life without you. I feel it, too.” He stepped closer to her, taking the glove off his hand and reaching out to her. Her hand met his halfway, and he pulled her close. Her nose and cheeks were red with the cold, and he supposed his were, too, but the cold was far away as he held her close to him. 

Backing away just so that he could see her face, he bent down and kissed her softly. “Will you stay with me?”

Rey’s eyes were bright again with tears, but by the shy smile on her face, he could tell they were happy ones. She nodded and gave a little laugh, the puff of air visible in the frosty cold.

“Let’s go home.” 

And they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter will be an epilogue. Don't they deserve happiness in every iteration of their story, every retelling, in every alternate universe in which we could possibly conceive them? 
> 
> I think so.


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four Years Later

Graduation ceremonies were high on Ben’s list of things he would rather die than attend, but on the day of Rey’s graduation from college he found himself alight with pride and vicarious accomplishment, thinking to himself there was no place he’d rather be.

Her beaming face flashed on the big screen above the arena as she was handed the blank piece of paper that was a stand-in for her real degree, and next to him Leia furiously thumbed her phone’s screen to capture every second in digital.

When the speeches were done and the actual degrees divvied, Ben and his mother followed the crowd from the stuffy air inside to the sweltering heat of a cloudless and windless day in mid-May.

Ben stood uncomfortably, sweating through his clothes, but the moment he saw Rey, he couldn’t help but beam and sweep her up into his arms. She laughed, and her bright smile gave him butterflies, like it always did.

Leia hugged her tightly when it was her turn, and then held her at arm’s length.

“We’re so proud of you, honey.”

Tears began welling in the two women’s eyes, and they pulled each other close again, happiness bubbling up between them so that it spilled over.

Lightly coughing, in an effort to push back the full feeling in his own throat and the prickling in his eyes, he scanned the immediate area and noticed many students taking selfies with friends, flitting from group to group.

“Rey, did you want to meet up with any of your friends?” he voiced.

“Yes!” Leia said. “Pictures!” She held up her phone and waggled it in emphasis.

Rey thought for a second, but then shrugged. “I’d rather just be with you guys. Let’s go eat.”

Ben chuckled, knowing full well that the priority of the day in Rey’s mind had been the lunch she had to look forward to. She had initially resisted the idea of going to the ceremony at all, intimating that it wasn’t a big deal and seemed silly. While Ben had been more than willing to comply with her wishes to forgo the event, Leia had put her foot down, insisting that graduation day is important and a milestone. A meal at Rey’s favorite restaurant was offered in recompense for her attendance, a fair trade to Rey’s mind.

The meal was delicious and the company enjoyable, Rey’s excitement contagious.

“We’re having dinner together next Sunday, don’t forget, Ben,” Leia said as she hugged Rey one last time and hopped in her car. “Don’t let him forget,” she directed at Rey.

“I won’t,” Rey promised, laughing.

Ben and Rey climbed into Ben’s old Honda and got on the highway home.

After all the commotion of the day, Ben was a little surprised that Rey was so quiet during the car ride. Usually after a busy day with others her excitement overflowed into chattiness. He didn’t push her, he never did, but when they arrived home and stepped into the kitchen Ben asked, “Is everything all right?”

Rey paused as she set her purse and graduation cap on the countertop.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m so happy, it’s just… I can’t believe this is where I am. With a bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering. I guess I just need a little time for it to sink in.”

“You’ve accomplished something big, it’s okay to feel that way,” Ben said in response.

“And I live here, with you, in this house. This beautiful house.” Rey’s voice thickened and tears welled up for the second time that day. “I never dreamed I could be so happy.”

At a loss for what else to do, Ben crossed the room and wrapped her in his arms as she cried. The day she had moved in with him, not too long after that day in the snow, flashed across his mind. The vivid moments of her joy against the backdrop of springtime, the pancakes for dinner she had cooked in commemoration, their first night in the same bed since that one night of confession.

Ben was in that moment acutely aware of the black velvet-wrapped box in his bedside top drawer upstairs, the white silk inside cradling his radiant, bright future with her. He pushed it out of his mind. The time would come, he only had to be patient.

When they clambered into bed that night, they held each other close and slept soundly, knowing the stars that had intertwined their destinies were only mirroring their incandescent peace that night.

 


End file.
